As You Breathe Out and I Breathe In
by holygoof101
Summary: Maybe it's the air or the universe or just her but he keeps holding his breath. Finn-centric companion piece to Cause I Know You Got A Habit.


A/N: So this is a companion piece to 'Cause I Know You Got a Habit' from Finn's POV. An update on an old fic and a new one in the same 'night.' I really need to learn how to sleep like a normal person. My love for Matt Nathanson is no secret; the title and inspiration come from his song Come on Get Higher (which is one of my least favorites but the only Matt song my husband will admit to liking so I partial blame him). It's not my favorite piece but it wouldn't leave me alone. Love it, hate it, read it! review it, whatev, just don't insult Matt Nathanson!

The first thing he noticed when he got basic training was the difference in the air down South. Not only was it hotter but it was like thicker and harder to breathe. And he wasn't really prepared for it. He'd been running in some fashion since he was a little kid. Mostly like wind sprints or laps for football with his pads on. So he thought that'd be enough to prepare him. Then he got down South and had to run miles and miles with a pack, like ten times the weight of his football pads, strapped to his back. And the air, well the only way he could think to describe it was that the air way thicker, or maybe wetter, or both even.

He's getting closer to Lima, he knows because the air is different. It's like easier to breathe. Like there's been a couple of moments he's had to stop and even check to make sure he's still breathing, there's just that much of a difference. At least to him there is. Or maybe he has to check because there's been a few moments he's caught himself holding his breath. He doesn't want to admit to anyone, let alone himself why he's catching himself holding his breath, but he knows why.

The bus comes to a stop and as he pick up his bag, and steps off the bus he catches himself holding his breath again. And when he lets it go and takes in the air it's so thin he coughs from taking too big a breath. But maybe that's a good thing because this probably won't be the last time during his leave he catches himself holding his breath.

00000

He counts the steps as he walks toward the front door. It all seems so foreign and it's been so long that it's like he wants something to still be the same. So he counts the steps from the driveway to the front door just to make sure something is still the same, even if he knows it's not like the Earth moved while he was away. The front door hasn't changed and it still opens with his key, he takes that as a good sign.

"Mom? Burt?" He calls out as he pushes the door open. There's no answer and at first glance the living room is empty but he can hear voices close so he walks deeper into the house trying not to keep military count as he walks. And before he has a chance to count his steps again he's in the kitchen. He's in the kitchen where the voices he'd heard where coming from. And before he has a chance to think about the voices he heard he's standing there looking at the kitchen table where Kurt and Blaine and... Rachel... And his Rachel is sitting. The air isn't think anymore; it's nonexistent as he tries not to stare.

"Hey." His eyes land on Rachel and with an awkward pause he manages to get the word out and nod at her before he's nearly knocked backwards by Kurt hugging him.

Once he's regained his balance it's all a blur of cheers and hugs and even some tears from his mom. He doesn't quite get it because they knew it was coming home for Christmas, and it's not like he's been away at war or anything. Maybe it has something to do with his dad but that's not something he wants to think about right now. So he figures it must just be a military family thing and he's get used to it eventually. But with all their tight hugs and rapid fire greeting he feels like the air is getting thick again and he just wants to breathe, its part of the reason he came home. It's the part of the reason he came home that he'll actually admit to. The other part well...

He sucks in a breath and steps away at the first break from the hugs he gets, his eyes dart around taking in the people he knew would be there. His mom, Burt, Kurt, Blaine... But one is missing... It's not like he actually thought Rachel would be there, in his house, when he got home but he can't say there wasn't a piece of him hoping she might be. And she was but now as he has a second to take it all in, she's gone. She was there and now she's gone and all he wants to do is find her.

"I'm going to go put my stuff in my room," he says as he gives a nod before he makes an instinctive about, face towards the stairs.

Even if it's a bad idea to go find her, he just needs a minute to himself to adjust to be home. It may be home but it's still different. He has one foot on the first stair when he hears the bathroom door open. He can't explain it but without any thought he's dropped his bag and he's in the hallway face to face with her. Her eyes are red, and he knows that's from crying, it kinda makes him sick. He thought she was done crying over him a long time ago. He wants to take the red away, he wants the tears to disappear and he doesn't know how to make that happen. But before he knows it he's pressed up against her, his arms trapping her against the wall because he might have let her go, but he'll be damned if she gets away from him. It's not a good idea, and he knows he should fight instinct; he should do the right thing and just go upstairs. To hell with the right thing. His lips are on hers and she tastes like Rachel, like nothing's changed... Until he tastes salt, the salt of tears... It was like nothing's changed... When everything has...

"I shouldn't have done that." He says in one quick breath as he takes another about, face and heads up the stairs. It's not until he's dropping his bag in his bedroom that he let's go of the breath he'd been holding and he feels like he's exhaling Rachel Berry.

0000

Kurt spends the next week trying to convince him to come to Louisville with them. He finally caves the day of the trip but tells Kurt it's only because Sieller, a buddy of his from basic is in Louisville and apparently there's bars there that won't card him. He's pretty sure Kurt knows that's only part of the reason, and that's probably why Kurt doesn't tell Rachel he's coming along. He knows Kurt didn't tell Rachel because she's completely silent when she gets in the car. Not just completely silent but uncomfortably silent.

"My friend Sieller lives in Louisville." He says and shots her a side glance as he waits for questions to come. As he waits for her to talk because she's Rachel and that's what she does. Except this time she doesn't. She's silent as they hit the interstate, and it's awkward. Awkward enough that he just drums against the steering wheel, holding his breath the whole way there. This isn't the kind of trip he expected at all.

0000

The thing about going to see Sieller in Louisville is that he doesn't really like the guy that much. Like they were friends in basic but that's because he didn't have any other friends there so any friend he could get was worth it. They don't really know that much about each other because Finn never really talked that much to begin with and really Sieller well, the guy kind of annoys him. But it's better than sitting in an awkward silence with Rachel when all he really wants to do is kiss her, kiss and anything else she'd let him do but mostly just kiss her. But he's trying not to think about that as she sits across from him.

They're in some terrible bar. The only thing that makes it tolerable is that they don't card and it's close enough to the hotel he doesn't have to worry about driving anymore. But sitting at a sticky table that totally makes him understand why they don't card. Sieller is talking about their pack runs and the gas chamber like its some badge of honor. Maybe it should be, he made it through there without crying, and then there was the only guy that puked in his gas mask. That actually was pretty funny, at least to them. Maybe not so much to Rachel since he's now watching her walk towards the bar.

"So, the only girl with two gay dude and Hudson," Sieller takes a pause and looks around there table, "I'm guessing she's up for grabs, so I'm going to take my shot. Wish me luck."

The way Sieller winks before he hangs his tongue out and slaps Blaine on the shoulder makes Finn sick, and he bites down on his lip hard as he watches out of the corner of his eye. He shouldn't be worried Rachel's not a drinker, and she's totally not going to bite on Sieller's bait. Kurt's rambling on about the glee club they watched today, but his eyes are still on Rachel and Sieller as they take a shot together. They take a shot together and Finn feels the air catch in his chest, it burns and not because the crappy bar is filled with cigarette smoke either. And his chest keeps burning with his held air when the second shot lands on the bar.

"Finn may-," Blaine's voice echoes but gets cut off because he knows it before he's on his feet.

Finn releases his held breath as he pushes Rachel's hand against the bar to drop the shot in it and spins her around to face him. There's a burn at first as he kisses her, maybe it's the alcohol on her lips or the fire he was holding with his breath but he doesn't care. He deepens the kiss and digs his fingers into her hips, pulling her against him as he feels her fingers grip against his scalp. She's not fighting him, and he knows she never will. Slowly their kiss lightens and the burn fades, and he tastes Rachel. He feels Rachel, her skin. Her lips, everything about her. He feels Rachel, the only thing that's ever made sense to him even when it made no sense at all.

And when he finally breaks away to breathe, it's like he can really breathe for the first time in months.

0000

He doesn't bother to tell Kurt and Blaine they're leaving. He really doesn't even think about it. They stumble and kiss and fumble their way back to the hotel room. It's clumsy and awkward times and against all the structure he's learned but none of that matters because he's there with her.

Her skin is against his. Their hands grazing each others. Her hair tickling his hands as he combs through it. She feels like velvet against his mouth. Like velvet and sparks as he trails his lips down her skin. He asked her to surrender, he asked her to let go, but he never really did. He surrendered to her future, he surrendered to the fact that she was always going to be a star and he couldn't keep her from that but he always knew that. But it doesn't mean he ever surrendered her. It doesn't mean he ever surrendered his feelings.

He moves over her and he can see the glint of tears in her eyes, so he leans down to kiss them away. "Rachel, I-," she doesn't let him finish his sentence, her fingers dig into his back pressing him down and pushing her mouth against his again. He knows she realizes what he was about to say because her hips rock against his. He knows she knows but he just wants to make her believe.

"I still love you," he whispers as he takes another deep breath and gives into everything he's feeling.

0000

For a moment he lets himself forget. He takes in the taste of her, smell of her hair, the feel of her body curled up against his, the way her leg curls up around his and right then for a moment he can just let himself forget. He can hold his breath and let himself forget that everything has changed.

0000

They don't talk about it. And the ride home from Louisville is silent again. But this time it's a comfortable silence. He shoots her the occasional side glance because this time he feels like he can look at her without causing her pain even if they're not acknowledging the days to come. They're only a few miles from the Lima exit and he's drumming his fingers against the steering wheel when he looks over and sees a new look on her face. It's the first... Well really the second time since he's been home that he sees a look of peace on her face. And it makes him feel like its okay to breathe.

0000

They still haven't talked about it. And at this point they're not going to. At least not anytime soon because as much as he doesn't want to admit it he doesn't know when he's going to see her again. And that's another thing they haven't talked about. Maybe it's all a good thing. All the uncertainty maybe that's just life, right. Like no one really knows what's going to happen so its life and letting the universe do its thing. That's what they kinda sorta agreed on. And maybe this whole trip, the seeing her unexpectedly and everything that lead to, maybe that was all the universe. It has to be.

Her grip on his fingers tightens as the bus approaches. He squeezes them back and places the softest of kisses against her lips and they release their grip on each other's hands because it's the only grip on each other they really have control over and he knows that now. But it doesn't make leaving any easier, and he doesn't want to look out the window as the bus rumbles and starts to pull away.

He watches as she turns sideways, he's not sure what that's all about but he can't stop looking at her. He watches out the window until she's not there anymore. He takes a breathe and just keeps looking out the window waiting for the air to change.


End file.
